Muslims in the Mail

8 years and 10 months ago

Muslims in the Mail

Which Jesus who teach you?

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I could use my system's automatic closing of the comment form on older entries, but then we would miss some good opportunities to have fun with disgruntled webizens who, having search-engineered their ways (presumably) to something like "Kaaba + wallpapers" and "Mujahideen + photoshop" end up on my very own GIEDs, that often result in severe disappointment and distress for the Faithful.

Which is, after all, their exact purpose.

Take for instance "Ur Uncle" below (probably not is real name) whose IP address [202.69.9.65] belongs to the pool of Telenor Pakistan, 15th Floor, Saudi Pak Tower, Jinnah Avenue Islamabad. He gives us an entertaining, if not enlightening, glimpse at Islamic culture and mythology:

Who ever uploaded that fake pic.. of Kaba.

I assume you mean that fake pic of Kaba(sic). Yeah, that would be me. And I did more than just upload it: I made it with my human hands.

He is a kuttaa. U know wt is kutta... who;s mother is fucked by a dog, infact she is a bitch and fucked by some awara pagal dog. U know wt I mean ....

So Muslims have a specific noun for the (biologically improbable) offspring of a woman and a dog? Fascinating culture! Could you elaborate a bit on which kind of historical event or societal practice might be the origin of such a semantic enrichment of your civilization's vocabulary?

Aside from that, I suppose I know some of the things you mean, yes. For instance, I know that better my mother be a bitch than a Muslim. Bitches make far more caring mothers. They only devour their own progeny exceptionally, whereas Muslim mothers strapping their younglings with Semtex and sending them to their suicidal death and bloody murder are kept in high esteem by many devout followers of Islam. It's easy to tell who's the real animal here, don't you think?

By the same merit, I’d rather my Dad be a dog than an Imam, a Mullah or an Ayatollah.

I also notice that the SMS method of learning English (U know wt I mean!) seems to be making great progress among Pakistani Islamic rage boys, which is good. I mean, considering that Western weaponry manuals — from the basic rifle to the DIY A-Bomb — are usually written in proper English, I'm quite happy with these dudes remaining (hardly) half literate.

So Never yell n mess with this again... U kuttaaay

As Bill, a man who unlike you had quite a knack for proper English, used to say “Thou call'st me dog before thou hadst a cause, But since I am a dog, beware my fangs” — "messing with this again", I have already. And messing with this again, I will without a doubt.

And now our next disgruntled Moslem courtesy of the world's most populous Muslim-majority nation, Indonesia. Brought to us through the broadband pipes of Telkom Indonesia, Menara Multimedia Lt. 7, Jl. Kebonsirih No.12, Jakarta — surfing from his/her [125.160.102.187] IP address — this one calls himself "Snoopy"1.

Snoopy the Muslim found out that I doubt and deride Mujahideen muppets' abilities for Photoshop-warfare, and therefore proceeds to provide strategic advice, theological controversy, tortured syntax and a brilliant example of how cultural differences can inadvertently disable the climax of a carefully crafted Engrish rant:

I don't think what you publish right here is not right! Your under estimate moslem, if you and your idiot companion are a tought guy, get and go to find 'em, fight 'em, and i just sitting here write the paper, and the news said the idiot people some kind like you is dead tragictly and painly. Maybe you should hang your head and start learn more about etics of religion. Which Jesus who teach you? Tell me....

Hello Snoopy the Muslim, and thank you for your comment.

Your flexible use of English syntax and creative vocabulary remind me of someone. Are you an Islamic schrolar by any chance?

... MOTHERFUCKERS!!!

You seem to share with your coreligionist a disturbing obsession with sexual intercourse involving one's female genitor. If once is a freak accident, I'm afraid twice is the beginning of a statistic — particularly when it's consistent with the observation that one of the main problems with these unfortunate votaries under the dreadful curses of Mohammedanism (W. Churchill) is the males' inaptitude to have normal relationships with females (of all species, apparently).

Here's a thought: perhaps Barack Hussein Obama should go the extra mile on his much vaunted disengage strategy, and replace all the Marines and G.Is he pretends to bring home (if/when elected POTUS by the French and the Germans) by an army of shrinks.

PIG EATER!

Well... Yeah. And your point is?

Oh, ok. I get the idea. It's one of those "one man's terrorist is another man's freedom fighter" thing. Or in this instance "one man's penultimate abuse is another man's praise". The multiculturalist in me is reeling. Let's celebrate diversity:

Dear Snoopy the Muslim, most of my fellow Infidels are indeed enthusiastic and unrepentant pig eaters; a certain number of them however, to which I belong, are actually more than that. We are professional and devoted — some would say fanatical, and you couldn't blame them — pig eaters.

See, your average Infidel just hit the next supermarket or butcher shop to get his yummy piece of pork.

That's not enough for those like me.

We go where the hogs roam free, we search and follow them, we watch for their tracks and probe their wallows. We seek them from dusk til dawn in the freezing cold Western winters, teaming with packs of dogs whom we regard as friends and family. And that's not just the men and the dogs, dear Snoopy the Muslim, for there are even women among us, women we treat as equals.

And upon the cunning, clever and mighty Pig, who can outsmart our dogs and dodge our bullets, we bestow a mythical, nearly magical stand.

We hunt and we kill the Pigs. Then we gut and dress It with our bare hands. And when it's over we keep our trophies but share the pig's meat while the dogs have their rest; and we have the drinks and the laughs with the women (Haraam2 in bold).

Yep, come to think of it, hunting wild boars in early 21st century France is the most anti-Islamic expansionism statement you can make and fun you can have with all your clothes on, and without hurting anyone3.

  1. You-just-can't-make-that-up. I wonder if Snoopy the Muslim realizes that Snoopy is a dog. A clever dog indeed, but still...
  2. In Islam, anything that is prohibited by the faith. Antonym of halaal.
  3. The pigs might disagree. If they'd managed to master abstract thinking and self-consciousness. Oh, and some articulate language of course.

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Comments thread (11)

  • Comment author avatar
  • 2hotel9Western Pennsylvania

If you were not already busy as hell you could make a conpendium of the funnier droppings left by these idiots. Maybe even a coffee table book version!

  • Comment author avatar
  • bonmotdotStranger from out there

This is the funniest thing I’ve read all month.  OMG!  I can’t wait until you deconstruct the brainless press conference between Obamessiah and Sarkozy.

 

  • Comment author avatar
  • TooTallUtah

Now I understand the Islamic hatred of canines.  They can’t compete against them in the dating scene.  Your article was one of the most amusing that I have ever read.  Now, having said that, I must warn you that if you ever agsin make me laugh so hard that I hurt myself you will join the ranks of those who "is dead tragictly and painly. "  Seriously DF. if you could compile something like this into a book I’m sure it would be a best seller.

  • Comment author avatar
  • unknown jane

Beautiful!  I haven’t gotten a good giggle like this in a while.  Your wit is a wonder and an envy.

 

PS. My husband and my daughter think you rock—so count yourself admired by a middle aged Teutonic man and a 19 yo. Army private, take what you will from that.

 

And we’d all be more than happy to share some BBQ ribs (pork ribs) with you anytime.

  • Comment author avatar
  • Ms.ManChowMaryland

You had me at "Pork"!

  • Comment author avatar
  • ProofStockton, Callifornia, USA

"So Muslims have a specific noun for the (biologically improbable) offspring of a woman and a dog? Fascinating culture! Could you elaborate a bit on which kind of historical event or societal practice might be the origin of such a semantic enrichment of your civilization’s vocabulary?"

Priceless!

  • Comment author avatar
  • Ali Mentary

I’ll have as soon as possible some porky wurst and thick monk-brewed beer to celebrate this mighty blog entry.


Cheers.

  • Comment author avatar
  • SPQRStranger from out there

Hmmm, pork.   Now I’m hungry.

  • Comment author avatar
  • Lady CincinnatusOhio & Kentucky

Classic and refreshing Dissident Frogman. 

  • Comment author avatar
  • Iwo GinaMaryland

Re footnote #3:

The pigs might disagree. If they’d managed to master abstract thinking and self-consciousness. Oh, and some articulate language of course.

If they did manage to master some language, they’d STILL be easier to understand than those two commentators! I’m already convinced they’re clearer thinkers.

Thanks for the laugh, DF (or should I say "laff"?)

  • Comment author avatar
  • The Digital HairshirtSanta Ana, CA

I have to echo 2hotel19 - a book of these exchanges would make for great reading!